It’s Saturday afternoon. My kid is sleeping, I just wrapped up some work, husband is at a meeting and I don’t feel like folding laundry. So instead I’m sitting in bed and decided to be really honest here for a second. Even more so than usual.
To say that the past few months have been exhausting for me would be a understatement. There’s always times in life when things seem to be especially crazy and that’s where I am at right now. Let me preface with everything is good news and I feel so incredibly blessed. My challenges are based on exciting new adventures both professionally and personally which often make me feel like I can’t complain or be tired because it’s a good thing. But guys, it’s been a lot.
We are expanding our business, which means in cliff note terms, I am managing three locations now. My workload has literally tripled with lots more meetings, phones calls, emails and all that jazz. To be honest it’s been so much fun being apart of this process and my creative juices have been screaming for this! My son is 150% boy in which he DOES not, and I repeat, DOES not sit still. Since he has no interest in TV I don’t get that break to just sit him down. We are constantly going on walk “tours” I call them to visit the dogs, explore outside, and find his “pum pums” aka pumpkin. If I try to bring out the computer, send a text or make a phone it’s become a mission impossible. Then there’s always the fun stuff like laundry, cooking, home care, dogs, etc. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day. Oh and of course we have both families locally so we have to make sure to see everyone. To round out everything, I am five months pregnant with a pregnancy that hasn’t been so much fun. Luckily things are getting better which is very, very times a million bit exciting.
So that’s the recap….all good you see, but just for me a lot.
Last week I hit a low point with myself. I had some crazy deadlines with work with my kid who was being extra mom-needy. We were hanging in our apartment down in OC (oh ya, I living back and forth), I had a very important call to take plus needed to get back to a time-pressing email. I found myself so incredibly frustrated with my son for a minute. You know moms where it’s just like ugggh, enough kid. I had just gone to go pee in the middle of all this and a full breakdown ensued because I left him. I got back sat on the floor and we both cried. Yep just cried. He cried because how dare you go pee without me, and I cried because I had gotten to a place as a mom that I never ever want to go back to. I was living in the future and frustrated with him because of my own needs. Oh and perfect timing, husband walked in on us both. Wish I could have been in his mind as he saw the two of us with tears streaming down our faces.
This week in therapy, yes I see a therapist who’s awesome and I highly recommend to others out there, I made a pact. It’s time for me to be present. As a naturally planning and anxious person I tend to always think about what is next and what I can be doing about it. I cannot sit still, and often feel guilty when I am not doing something. I’m a “go-mode” person and I am making simple steps to change.
In the past few days I have made simple changes that already have made a drastic impact. My first new rule is turning my phone on silent. When I am with my son I goal for at least an hour to have my phone off. What is really that important to get back to in the scheme of things? I enjoy this time with him and truly savor in the moments we are having. It’s been making me super nostalgic in the phase he’s in and I’m cherishing every moment. Secondly, I’m working on scheduling more “me” time. I used my sitter for 4 hours to go on a walk, get my nails done and take my first pre-natal yoga class. It felt amazing and since then I am planning for time for myself each week. I’m trying to see friends more because through all this I have felt like a hermit and it’s truthfully been a little lonely. My dogs and I have been having way too many deep convos. It’s ok to be a little selfish as a mom. We need it. And finally, I’m giving myself a time each night with my husband to stop work. It’s so easy for us to routinely sit on the couch and do things until 10 or 11pm at night. We love what we do, we love growing our business and there’s always something to be working on. But for me it’s been too much. I need my time for us to talk about decorating the house for the holidays, watch mindless shows and just talk about anything but work.
It’s a daily struggle for someone wired like myself to really commit to being present. But for the overall happiness of my family and the health of this little miracle growing inside me it’s something I am going to do. And truthfully guys, it feels so good.
I’m learning to take off that Superwoman cape, which ultimately makes me vulnerable, and it’s a scary exhilarating rush.
The other day a friend asked me how Ryan and I met, which for those that don’t know us is kind of a fun story. Long story short, I tore my ACL and he did my rehab, proving that out of every situation there’s something good. But then she asked about our first date and I just started laughing before recounting the most awkward night EVER! So, I thought I would share the embarrassment as I honestly don’t know how we are still together.
At the time, I was a patient and younger (much younger) than Ryan. Well, still am obviously with our 10 year gap. There was an immediate connection for both of us but I think we weren’t sure if “those lines” could be crossed due to client-patient rules, age, family and what not. He knew I liked him and he clearly liked me as he made a Prince playlist for me when I came in to rehab. And I watched old mob movies like “Carlito’s Way” until 2am to make sure I had some cool Italian background conversation ready to go.
Being the chivalrous guy that he is, he called my dad and asked him if he could go to the movies with me. That really should have been my first clue that this was a date, but I am going to blame the ACL drugs on not being fully clear. So we met one night at the Agoura movie theatre, pre-renovation, to go see ‘Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby.” We got snacks and Ryan led the way into the theatre….it went down hill from here.
I started to panic. Was this a date? Was he into me? Were we going to be just friends? Guys, it was so stressful in those hobbling moments down the aisle that I made a decision that I would ultimately regret, but now makes for a good story. I LEFT A SEAT IN BETWEEN US. YES. AN EMPTY SEAT. Who does that? Even if he was just a friend, who seriously leaves a seat? I would like to blame being in a leg cast and needing more room or whatever, but I simply cannot. I was just awkward. And lost. Then throughout the movie we are laughing and I thought to scoot one seat over, but then that would be even more awkward to get closer after being apart. Oh vey….
So we walked out of the theatre and were small talking about who knows what. The time came for goodbye and as if the night couldn’t be any more uncomfortable, Ryan went for a high five. A HIGH FIVE folks! Like full hand above the head, arm straight up, like your cheering your buddy that just came off the field type of thing. Naturally I responded and felt like shouting,’Let’s go team!’. But who am I to judge after my bold move?
Fast forward and somehow, yes somehow, after the most awkward first date ever we are still together. Somehow….
Please tell me there are other people out there with worse first date stories!!? Share!!!!
It’s time for me to vent a little bit, but prior to doing so remember this forum is my outlet for however I may be feeling. Despite whatever you read know I am still so beyond deeply grateful to be pregnant with this little girl and cannot wait to meet her. That should go without saying right?
So big shocker, but I am still not a fan of being pregnant. Remember last time? This time around it has already been quite the journey and I am only 4 months along. People, that means we’re not even half way! That’s 6 more months to go. Oh vey!
I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum again. Say that 10 times fast. If you’re up to speed with your royal news, it may sound familiar because it’s the same illness Princess Kate Middleton has. She totally copied me by the way, because I was preggo first BOTH times, but whatever. If you’ve never heard of it’s basically extreme morning sickness. And by morning sickness, they mean ALLL day sickness. I promise I won’t get too graphic for ya, but in the past 16 weeks I have lost 12 pounds due to things not really staying down. Ya know?
So this is my new reality. IV hydration two times a week for the past week which will continue for the next month. It takes about four hours, but cross your fingers folks I am requesting they speed up the bags today to make it only two hours. Do you know how hard it is to get my toddler covered for that long on top of trying to still get work done too? Quite the juggling act! The IVs are fluids to help rehydrate me and then I get a “baby gatorade” bag once a week to make sure baby girl is getting enough nutrients. She’s is totally fine by the way! Cooking on schedule and happy as one can be in utero.
As frustrating as it has been to be so sick, I am extremely thankful for getting these fluids as they help bring me back up to speed just a little bit. I have had very little energy, which is a mix of being preggo, chasing Carter and life, so anything to give me that extra help is greatly appreciated. I also look at is as a great time to get work done and even blog a little bit. Hopefully this won’t last that long but there is a possibility it can go through the entire pregnancy. It went to 29 weeks with Carter so….ya.
The silver lining in all this are the photos I am sent while being pricked. Sidenote, I totally look like a druggie with holes and bruises all over my arms. I get sent photos of Carter smiling and videos of him saying ‘hi mom’ and it makes it all worth it. For those that love pregnancy, good for you. (bitches) For those that don’t, especially if this is your first, let me tell you it is completely worth it! Going through this again I know that the moment I held Carter for the first time in my arms, every moment of sickness and frustration washed out the window. I mean I got pregnant again right? It’s a tough time for a short period of your life that brings about the BEST GIFT EVER.
So Riley Chase Capretta, I am ready for you and cannot wait to see your beautiful face.