The Biggest Hurdle

Jun 10th

 

The Biggest Hurdle

Those who know me know I am pretty open and honest when it comes to all I’ve been through in this pregnancy and motherhood world. I think it’s important to know there’s always ups and downs and that you don’t have to be perfect. As I’ve blogged about before, it’s easy to get caught up in people’s perfect-looking social media lives, yet at the end of the day we all have our shiz that makes one day tougher than the next.

I got into a conversation with a new friend the other day at our son’s swim lessons about what has been the hardest part about being a mom, especially now with two. Mind you we have this conversation as she’s bouncing her third boy in a Ergo carrier and pushing her other back in forth in the stroller, all while looking like she just stepped out of a magazine. Talk about inspiration! While many moms may answer sleep, a colicky baby, or a terrible-2 toddler, I’ve got to say that I’ve been pretty blessed on that front. (*knocks on wood*) Obviously there are moments and everything is not perfect in those regards, but I don’t have an issue with it. For me the answer is simple, balance and isolation. Maybe you feel this too?

I’m incredibly blessed to be able to work from home, and trust me I know that. I have a weekly schedule with my sitters for designated work time, meetings with my husband (aka business partner) and time built in to work out so I don’t go crazy. Each night when the kiddos go to sleep, we both have work to do but try to pick an end-point so we can turn off business mode and be hubby-wife mode. Then usually when the entire house is asleep I can get a lot of my work done as well. So flexible, yes, but it’s often hard to juggle the pieces. I have found when you own your own business there’s always something happening or a project in the works. My to-do list adds 5 more things as soon as I checked one off. And while I love working from home, it’s hard to establish that time when I’m “on” or “off-duty”, hence my issue with balance.

Then bring in the fact that the majority of work I do is in our home office alone or with Ryan. I don’t have co-workers per say (though I have an assistant/office manager now and that’s been fun….more girl power!!!) to talk shop, or what happened on the weekend…just basic camaraderie. Then when I am not working I am with the kids, in which I try to put the phone down a be present. But how hard is this because during this time I try to connect with people on social media or texting to feel some sort of inclusion. Or just simply returning voice messages seems so hard these days. (to the friends I have yet to call back I am sorry!! Wanna chat at 1am?) But I don’t want my kids to remember their mom with a phone in her face. There’s again the issue of balance here.

And let’s say I was able to finally pick a day and time where I could do a play date or something with a friend, there’s a high probability that any of the following would occur to prevent that: different nap time, hot-mess outburst or one of them got a cold in the middle of the night. My kids, God love them, have taught me to give up control. To let go of miss Type-A because they’re little weirdos who beat to their own drum and life happens. But hey, let’s say you do make it to that play date and it’s maybe with a group of friends. Those friends, who don’t necessarily work (and this is no knock at all bc in my opinion behind a SAHM is the hardest job), are able to get together more or stay in better contact so when you’re around it kind of feels like a third wheel situation. Know what I mean? My girlfriend I was with at the park this evening is in the same boat as me with working from home and I felt such a relief expressing myself and having someone just get it. Thank goodness for mom friends. (def next blog topic…shopping mom friends!)

Then to round it all out, my relationship with my husband and our family time is the most important thing to me. Life is moving by so fast and I am trying to bottle up all the moments we have together until we are old, having cocktails and chilling in Palm Springs with two kids in college. (slight exaggeration but ya know?) When we do have that moment where nothing is planned or on the books, which these days seems rare, we want to be homebodies and stay in. Let our kid run around naked. Sit in comfortable silence. Just watch our two children…one run all over, the other coo-ing or sleeping. Taking it all in and relishing in a moment of being “off”.

So between all this, I often find myself at time lonely. Longing for being able to just go on a walk with a friend (my kids don’t do strollers more than 5 min), longing to finish a sentence before making sure my son doesn’t fall off the jungle gym, or just longing to not always feel like I’m missing out. There are so many people I wish I could get together with, yet I always seem to be running out of time. And to be honest I feel bad for feeling this way sometimes because in the big picture I am so blessed and it’s really not that bad. Just an adjustment period in my life that will get worked out. What makes it easier is having those friends who get it, understand and are right there in the same boat with you.

I’ll end with the fact that tonight for 30 minutes was hands down my most difficult time as a mom. I’ll spare you shitty details, literally, but Carter made it to his potty to poop but had two more explosions all over that didn’t quite make it in as I was cleaning it out from explosion number one. Meanwhile Riley is screaming because she’s hungry (girl, I so get it…I feel the same way) and Carter is running around with crap all down his legs while incessantly asking to watch The Rat (aka Mickey Mouse) which I promised him. Everything eventually got situation and as I sat in a pool of sweat and I sat on the couched, I just cried. Cried because well, it was a lot. And I was alone. And I just cried. But then my best friend called, like she knew I needed her, and everything was better. Then before getting the kiddos in pjs, this moment happened (pic below & above) and all just seemed right in the world. Funny how that works right? (Ok, now I need to stop procrastinating and get my work done since the house is asleep!) xx

The Biggest Hurdle

(shameless mom/daughter selfie that I am in LOVE with)