The Funny Thing About Timing

Sep 20th

fro yo

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan.”-unknown

I’ve talked lots before about how timing is a funny thing, especially when it comes to starting and growing my family. As you may know, it was a little bit of a journey to bring Carter into this world as I went through a couple miscarriages prior. I’ve always talked about how things happen for a reason and looking back on that time I am thankful they did. Yes, thankful. It gave me more time to grow myself. It gave more time for my husband and I to grow. It made me truly ready. And I will always believe that if it took some heartaches and tears in order to have Carter, I would do it all over again countless times. His daily infectious laughter is always a sweet reminder of truly what a blessing it is to be his mom.

farm

When Carter was about 5 to 6 months old we decided we were ready to start trying for #2. We have always wanted to have two kids (no more people….man to man coverage! Cannot switch to zone!) and knew the goal was to have them relatively close. Selfishly for me I would be out of shape once and it would be best for Carter too as he would have a little buddy to run around with. Surprisingly enough right after the holidays I got pregnant. Quick I thought. I was filled with a mix of emotions, mainly excitement, but also “What the f*$k…..” Two kids. Wow. We went to the 8 week checkup to hear the heartbeat and that’s when our whole new journey began.

No heartbeat.

Nothing.

The next few weeks were filled with more emotions than I have ever experienced. It was a waiting game to see if there was a heartbeat mixed with living apart from my husband and trying to keep a smile around my little boy as he started to move all over. Eventually at 10 weeks there was nothing so I went through with an at-home miscarriage, which didn’t work, and resulted in an emergency D&C three days later. Fun stuff I tell ya. I was numb, but since I was so busy with work and a child this time around I didn’t feel like I “had time” to grief. It was just let’s get over it and move on. We could try again in a bit and that’s what I just kept looking forward to.

But inside, I was a mess. I was again so hurt and didn’t understand why this would happen again. I had picked out names. I had planned how I would do their rooms. I had imagined matching outfits for the holidays this year. It just didn’t make sense. I’m young, in shape and “shouldn’t be” someone who struggles with this. I’ve always said it’s because I am a gyno’s daughter. That’s my logic believe it or not. It was a really tough time for me personally but on the outside you wouldn’t know because I went about and kept a brave face for myself and mainly Carter. After a few weeks I decided to really dedicate myself to my son and all he had going on, but there was always a little pang of heartache there. Until well, you know this!

Flash forward to this week. The third week of September. The week this baby would have been due.

I cannot even begin to fathom having another child right now. Like, my mind cannot comprehend it. We are in a crazy and exciting transition with some work projects, I am chasing my toddler and well, life is just crazy. But mainly I couldn’t imagine giving myself to another child just yet. The past few months with Carter have been so memorable. Gone is my little baby and hello I have a boy. The sweetest boy who gives me hugs and kisses. The funniest boy who will find amusement and laughter in just about anything. The most adventurous boy who wants to climb and hop into everything. The little learner boy who is soaking up everything like a sponge and is so smart. I just can’t imagine….I mean, today we had the best mommy-son day filled with lunch, a trip to the farm and a very special treat of some fro yo. We played with trains, giggled a whole lot, had pasta for dinner and as I put him in his crib and said ‘I love you’, he blew me a kiss and said ‘night night.’

I just can’t imagine.

Again, I am thankful and grateful for the experience I went through this past spring. It is allowing me to have the most undivided time and memories with Carter that I would never have been given if I was having a baby this week. It gives me a another full round of holidays with just him. It allows me to totally bottle up and savor every second I have with him being my only child. It has made me a better mom.

And for me, it’s been the most beautiful and unexpected gift.