The Moment I Knew

Oct 18th

It’s always fascinated me how your life can change in a matter of moments.

You find out you got a new job.

Or the love of you life dropped down on one knee.

The flow of your daily routine can be altered in the scariest and most joyous instant.

For me, it was this test.

Pregnant.

Two lines.

Both pink.

Pregnant.

If you’ve followed along on my journey, you will know about me having a couple miscarriages. The sight of this test wasn’t the first time I had felt a rush of excitement mixed with overwhelming fear. It wasn’t the first time I started to think about designing a nursery or what school he/she would go to. And it wasn’t the first time I couldn’t stop smiling for no reason. We had been down the path before in which we were met with heartbreak, but for some reason this time felt different.

I just knew.

I’m a firm believer in faith and that life has a way of working it’s way out. A year ago when we went through the two losses there was an underlying reason that it wasn’t the right time. Maybe we weren’t ready? Or maybe there was something wrong the baby growing. Whatever the reason I remained firm that there was nothing I did that was my fault. We took time to recover emotionally, I continued to become prepared physically and when the time was right we would visit the path of “trying” again.

We got to the end of summer and I was in a crossroads with a job. After a few weeks of “trying yet not trying” I started feeling sick, a week earlier than I had before. Within another week (sorry for TMI) but my tops and bras started fitting a bit snugger. Before I even took the test I knew.

It was our time.

The next few weeks were filled with lots of joy and nausea. Hubs and I were through the moon on having a baby.

But here is where I must be honest.

I was terrified at the same time.

Every night I went to bed I was afraid I would miscarry. Your body goes through changes and your uterus starts growing very quickly, in which you feel some slight cramping. Unfortunately the only cramping I remember from before was going through the miscarriages. I had many sleepless nights. I said lots of prayers. I made sure to get plenty of rest. Basically I did everything to ensure this baby would be “ok”.

If only I had the power to really be in charge of it all!

It’s not in my hands.

In those first two months I was reminded that it will be your time. You hear stories of different people’s struggles and are reminded that everyone has their own journey. It may be three years or it may happen right away. The body is a beautiful thing and it’s important to always keep that spark of faith that the time will come when it’s right. I’m living proof of someone who struggled. Someone who was envious of friend’s who got pregnant. Someone who went back and forth on whether kids were right for me. Someone who was afraid.

Keep faith.

Stay strong.

You never know when life might change for the ultimate blessing.