Being Present

Oct 25th

Being Present

It’s Saturday afternoon. My kid is sleeping, I just wrapped up some work, husband is at a meeting and I don’t feel like folding laundry. So instead I’m sitting in bed and decided to be really honest here for a second. Even more so than usual.

To say that the past few months have been exhausting for me would be a understatement. There’s always times in life when things seem to be especially crazy and that’s where I am at right now. Let me preface with everything is good news and I feel so incredibly blessed. My challenges are based on exciting new adventures both professionally and personally which often make me feel like I can’t complain or be tired because it’s a good thing. But guys, it’s been a lot.

We are expanding our business, which means in cliff note terms, I am managing three locations now. My workload has literally tripled with lots more meetings, phones calls, emails and all that jazz. To be honest it’s been so much fun being apart of this process and my creative juices have been screaming for this! My son is 150% boy in which he DOES not, and I repeat, DOES not sit still. Since he has no interest in TV I don’t get that break to just sit him down. We are constantly going on walk “tours” I call them to visit the dogs, explore outside, and find his “pum pums” aka pumpkin. If I try to bring out the computer, send a text or make a phone it’s become a mission impossible. Then there’s always the fun stuff like laundry, cooking, home care, dogs, etc. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day. Oh and of course we have both families locally so we have to make sure to see everyone. To round out everything, I am five months pregnant with a pregnancy that hasn’t been so much fun. Luckily things are getting better which is very, very times a million bit exciting.

So that’s the recap….all good you see, but just for me a lot.

Last week I hit a low point with myself. I had some crazy deadlines with work with my kid who was being extra mom-needy. We were hanging in our apartment down in OC (oh ya, I living back and forth), I had a very important call to take plus needed to get back to a time-pressing email. I found myself so incredibly frustrated with my son for a minute. You know moms where it’s just like ugggh, enough kid. I had just gone to go pee in the middle of all this and a full breakdown ensued because I left him. I got back sat on the floor and we both cried. Yep just cried. He cried because how dare you go pee without me, and I cried because I had gotten to a place as a mom that I never ever want to go back to. I was living in the future and frustrated with him because of my own needs. Oh and perfect timing, husband walked in on us both. Wish I could have been in his mind as he saw the two of us with tears streaming down our faces.

This week in therapy, yes I see a therapist who’s awesome and I highly recommend to others out there, I made a pact. It’s time for me to be present. As a naturally planning and anxious person I tend to always think about what is next and what I can be doing about it. I cannot sit still, and often feel guilty when I am not doing something. I’m a “go-mode” person and I am making simple steps to change.

In the past few days I have made simple changes that already have made a drastic impact. My first new rule is turning my phone on silent. When I am with my son I goal for at least an hour to have my phone off. What is really that important to get back to in the scheme of things? I enjoy this time with him and truly savor in the moments we are having. It’s been making me super nostalgic in the phase he’s in and I’m cherishing every moment. Secondly, I’m working on scheduling more “me” time. I used my sitter for 4 hours to go on a walk, get my nails done and take my first pre-natal yoga class. It felt amazing and since then I am planning for time for myself each week. I’m trying to see friends more because through all this I have felt like a hermit and it’s truthfully been a little lonely. My dogs and I have been having way too many deep convos. It’s ok to be a little selfish as a mom. We need it. And finally, I’m giving myself a time each night with my husband to stop work. It’s so easy for us to routinely sit on the couch and do things until 10 or 11pm at night. We love what we do, we love growing our business and there’s always something to be working on. But for me it’s been too much. I need my time for us to talk about decorating the house for the holidays, watch mindless shows and just talk about anything but work.

It’s a daily struggle for someone wired like myself to really commit to being present. But for the overall happiness of my family and the health of this little miracle growing inside me it’s something I am going to do. And truthfully guys, it feels so good.

I’m learning to take off that Superwoman cape, which ultimately makes me vulnerable, and it’s a scary exhilarating rush.